I haven't had the need to write anything during that time I stopped checking this.
Actually, I had times when I needed to get something off my chest or to feel better about once I've blogged about it.
Yet, nothing has come to mind except for this moment. I've lost myself somewhere during last year and now, I have become anti-social and drawn away from people.
But right now, I guess there is something that I would like to write about. 

I guess this wasn't entirely unexpected.

Exactly a week ago, whilst I was at work, my mum received a call in regards to my grandpa's state. My grandpa was in a nursing home in Melbourne and my aunt would constantly visit him.
The last time my family and I visited him was April of last year. His state was deteriorating. But you know, he's old, some things do happen. 
I just came home from Melbourne just yesterday, after going there on Tuesday. 
I didn't know, until we almost reached the nursing home.
Grandpa passed away. 

This wasn't the thing that's hurting me the most right now.
I wrote a this in regards to the matter. And what's breaking me, is the fact I was right.

I hate being right. Especially in these matters. 

He passed away, right after my mum told him my sister and I were coming.
He was at peace. He left peacefully.

..why couldn't he wait for us to get there? 

Rest in Peace 150512 

I know the world doesn't evolve around me. Despite the troubles I am in, everyone seems to be living their life. I can't help but feel this selfishness that want them to be there for me more often, instead of living their life so normally. It feels like such a mistake to speak of my burdens to people I care and trust so much. I believe it's because I expect so much, hence it shows what a child I am.

I am filled with misery.

I want to be happy that my friends are happy, not be jealous. I don't wanna feel like they're leaving me behind. I don't want to be hurting all the time. I'm a hypocrite because half the time I want to be anti-social and the other half, I want to be loved by them so much.. be cared for so deeply. I can't blame anyone but myself, I allowed this to happen and it's my life, I am the one that has to live it. 

I have to accept that time doesn't stop for anyone. 
I just can't do it.
I can't embrace this cruel world.

I can't even change for the best. I'm so useless, so weak.

But heck, this is 'pitying' myself.. yet it still hurts so much.

I didn't realise we were to cross paths once again, and I bleakly forgot about your existence. Heck, you were the one that threw me away. And I see you online, and it hurts. But I never knew we would be under one roof once again. Ever since 2 years ago, you have ignored me and vice versa. Nothing's the same, it hurt too much for me. You left with everyone. It was hard getting through these 2 years, I was left by myself. You were like family to me, and I miss you so much. 

I put the blame on myself, I remember that clearly. I don't exactly remember what happened to our relationship for you to just chuck me aside, like I was a piece of trash. Maybe I relied on you too much? I whined too much? Or maybe you just got sick of listening/talking/knowing me. I never knew I would be thinking about this now. It's been 2 years for goodness sake. You moved on, you probably doing well, happy/sad/angry? I don't know, but you once knew everything about me, I was an open book to you. I didn't mind, but I never expected you to leave. But heck, now I believe everyone will leave.

Because they always do.
Because, I'm never good enough.
Because.. I'm me.

It's too late for anything to be done. Too much time has passed, even though my wounds are opened again, I don't want to disturb you about this stupid matter. I hope you are well, and maybe we might have even walked past each other on Saturday, maybe we didn't.
I don't know.

I just wanted you to know how important you were to me.